This past week has been…….rocky. There is so much I need to get done and no time to do it. At one point I ended up completely changing around my schedule to accommodate someone else, and really wish I hadn’t. I tend to do that to make other people happy, but that really isn’t wise, is it? In the end I feel resentful for doing it and didn’t fully enjoy what I went out of my way to do, so…..I just kind of feel like it’s expected of me, and so I do it without thinking. That’s going to stop now. It’s someone else’s turn to do the accommodating and that’s ok. It’s ok to not please everyone.
Why is this relevant? It’s relevant because I am dealing with so many emotions with my mom’s death. With that, old issues have come to the surface. Issues that were resolved. I guess they are resolved, but the feelings that came with those issues are back and it’s hard to deal with. I am wasting a lot of time thinking of those issues, instead of focusing on grieving and healing myself. I am thankful I was able to recognize this was happening, and I am talking to someone about it. I feel like I have to learn how to handle a family member all over again and put those bad memories and feelings aside. I would love to talk to the actual person about it, but whenever I have approached her in the past to talk about my feelings about something she has said or done that have hurt me, she pretty much flips out. I have always been able to approach her very calm, gentle, and non-accusatory, but it doesn’t matter. It never works out. So, I just need to work on it myself and I hope this passes quickly because I have much more urgent things to deal with.
I did have a day where i was able to go through some things of my mom’s and I was just flooded with really good memories. Memories of just the 2 of us that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. They made me smile and filled my heart with joy. I can’t help but believe my mom was sending me these memories. One was a conversation with my mom where for some reason we were talking about names, and I asked her if I was named after anyone. I always wondered if I was named after an actress from the 60’s or earlier like Jennifer O’Neil or Jennifer Jones. That would have been pretty cool! I was shocked and amazed when my mom looked at me and said, “I named you after me” with a smile on her face. I didn’t quite understand since my name is Jenny and she explained that Jenny is a form of Jane or a derivative, or something like that. They are connected. She didn’t want to name me her exact name……that wouldn’t seem right to her, so she just gave me another form. How awesomely beautiful is that? It is such a gift to me. The conversation is a gift because I just don’t know if that would have ever have come up in conversation again. Does that mean I am her namesake even though I am Jenny and not Jane? I don’t know officially, but as far as I am concerned the answer is a very happy “yes!” I gave the name Jane to my daughter Lindsey as her middle name, so she will carry that on too.
So when I came across an old bracelet of my mom’s one day while looking through an old jewelry box with my dad, my heart just stopped. It was an old bracelet with mom’s name on it. I instantly fell in love with it and just felt drawn to it. I knew Lindsey would love it just as much as I did. I remembered the conversation with my mom about being named after her and how my daughter carries her name as well. It just felt right. After holding it for awhile I put it back in the box. I promised myself I wasn’t going to take any jewelry until I was able to go through it all with my sister. My sister and I went through everything the other day, and I do have the bracelet. I absolutely adore it, and I was right……so does Lindsey.
Today i am taking the day off from all worries and stress. Going to treat myself to a pedicure shortly then off we go to LBI for some much needed fun and relaxation. My mom will be with me. <3